It's official...

According to the definition we qualify...

"Secondary infertility is generally defined as the inability of a couple to conceive, or carry a pregnancy to term, after a year of unprotected and appropriately timed intercourse when one or both partners have previously conceived children."

And let me just say, it SUCKS!

I've experienced loss, dissapointment, and hurt in the past but this feels so different. It really is one of those things that you just don't get until you've gone through it. The part that is the worst for me is the loss of innocence. The innocence of creating a child with the person you love and the immediate joy that accompanies it. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant is no longer something we anticipate with pure joy and excitement, instead it is a process filled with precise timing, thermometers, hormone tests, waiting, questioning and worst of all, fear. I am not usually a pessimist, but in this situation I have quickly learned to be one...and a good one at that. After experiencing the emptiness that accompanies a miscarriage, any subsequent pregnancy I experience with be tainted with the memory of one that ended. I feel like I was jipped out of an experience that I wanted so badly. Bella was a bit of a surprise and it took both of us a little time to adjust. I still remember laying on the couch the day after I found I was pregnant and crying my eyes out because I was so scared about what was to come. This time we were both ready for another baby and fully aware of what it meant to have a child. There were no tears, no fears, just excitement for what was to come. I wanted to experience that. I wanted to enjoy every second of my pregnancy, but I didn't get to. And I feel like I will never get to. I'm already planning on calling in sick to work, hiring a stand in mom and wife and checking out of life for a good three months when I get pregnant again. Okay, so I won't really do that, but it sure sounds like a good idea at this point!

Like anything else, we have our good days and our bad days. It unfortunate that when I seem to be really down about it, Andy is feeling optimistic and vice versa...or maybe that's a good thing?? Who knows? And no matter how strong our faith is or how positive and encouraging we try to be towards eachother all of this takes a toll on our relationship. We refuse to let it come between us, but it's a real struggle some days.

With the exception of getting blood drawn for a thyroid test, I have completed my hormone tests and should know the results in the next week or so. My biggest fear is that everything comes back normal. I know that sounds odd, but if there's something wrong it means there's something to fix. If nothing's wrong, we are left with no answers and no real solution. I know there are many good options out there for us when it comes to fertility issues, but I just don't want to go down that road right now. I have a lot of confidence in the doctor I am seeing and even though her approach will take a little more time and effort, I am feeling optimistic that the outcome will be good (see, I told you I'm typically an optimist! ;) ).

I know a lot of you will read this and worry about me (especially you mom), but don't. I'll be okay. God is good. He hasn't failed us yet and even though it's hard to see sometimes, I know he won't let us down this time either. Consider this my therapy. ;)